I had the pleasure of self-publishing my first novel this week which was an intensely proud moment. Just signing into Amazon and Kobo and seeing it available to download is quite breathtaking really. Having the book appear at Kindle>Humour Number# 12 on Amazon was even better. And it was #9 on Kobo earlier. What an amazing feeling.
The book is called ‘Anti-Social Media’ and it was inspired by all the bullies and the trolls that inhabit our beloved social media streams. It seems as though every time a person puts even the tiny tip of their toe wrong, he/she ‘sparks’ a ‘Twitter outrage’ and the Twitter community ‘demand’ an apology. Which they usually get. The trolls; we give them an astonishing amount of power. However, it was also inspired by how easy it is for overnight fame to come to the normal man or woman on the street.
Enter my character, Constance Anderson. She is a scriptwriter, or at least wants to be. Other things keep getting in the way though, like Facebook, Twitter, napping, and a generous helping of procrastination. She’s in a crap relationship with a moody man whom she doesn’t love and her house is too small to swing anything in. Then one day, she accidentally presses the follow button on Twitter for some actress that is recommended, then she can’t be arsed to unfollow.
Jennifer Roberts is the actress. A shrieking, screaming, bullying diva who hasn’t three brain cells to rub together, but dislikes appearing stupid. She is also angry. Very very angry. Mostly with Mitzi, her long-suffering personal assistant, but also with Constance Anderson… for Jennifer has accidentally followed Constance back. Of course this wouldn’t usually be a problem, however Jennifer has 41 million followers on Twitter and follows nobody at all. So when she deigns to follow somebody for the first time, it causes a bit of a stir. Throw in some bad timing (it happens just before an appearance on the Angela Lanfrey talk-show) and Constance is made a star overnight. Angela asks Jennifer about her favourite scriptwriter but Jennifer has no idea who Constance is so she bluffs it to avoid sounding foolish and proclaims Constance, ‘the only one worth following.’
Naturally, this would still have been a salvageable situation except for one thing. The nefarious and highly creepy Martyn Pyle. Martyn is an ‘agent’ who clocks onto the situation immediately and sets out to exploit it for all is worth, engaging the help of a ghost-writer (his large breasted ex-girlfriend) to write the script for Constance. He soon announces to the world that a deal has been struck between both parties and that the movie is set to go.
The novel tracks the lives of both Constance and Jennifer for the next week and the ensuing ups and downs that social media brings, in the realm of leaked naked photographs, photoshopped pictures, and the murderous small penis tweets…
Cast of characters:
Constance Anderson – Main character/lazy scriptwriter/anti-hero
Jennifer Roberts – Hollywood’s #1 actress
Martyn Pyle – Struck-off lawyer come literary agent
Jill Wildman – Constance’s ghostwriter
Mitzi Allen – Jennifer’s personal assistant, and the only character with any redeeming features
Jack – Jennifer’s manager
Luke – Jennifer’s reluctant boyfriend/Mitzi’s lover
I had such a great time writing this book and I hope that my future readers have an equally enjoyable time reading it. I am assured it has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments 🙂