The Tooth Fairy Fuck-Ups

My daughter has now got to the age (almost eight) of perhaps starting to question the very existence of the Tooth Fairy.

This, naturally, was not helped by my recent fuck-ups in this area. I’m sorry for the badΒ language but there really is no more apt description.

First, she loses a tooth. Fine. Great. Put it under your pillow and the Tooth Fairy will be along later.

I am awoken at the unearthly hour of 5.30am by a hysterical child wondering why the Tooth Fairy (of all ‘people’) had not come and had let her down so badly.

‘Oh, shit!’ exclaimed I (well, I had just woken up) and did my best to console her before coming up with some embarrassingly awful story about it being the annual Tooth Fairy festival that weekend and that the Tooth Fairies would resume normal service the next day.

The next day comes and I ensure the alarm has been set on my phone for 11pm so I don’t forget again. Unfortunately, I cannot find the bloody tooth under the pillow. I search everywhere but to no avail. I leave the money and assume it will turn up sometime.

I am awoken at 5.30am but a much happier but slightly perplexed child who is demanding to know why the Tooth Fairy didn’t take the tooth.

‘Er, she couldn’t find it,’ I just about manage. ‘She came to tell me she couldn’t find it and she’ll come back for it tomorrow.’

Considering that I have just told my child that I have met the Tooth Fairy in person, and conversed with her, she shows a serious lack of curiosity in this department and happily leaves with her money.

So, the next day comes and this sorry saga has now extended to a three-day bonanza. And before you ask, yes I did remember to go and get the bastard tooth. I safely put it in a pot on my dressing table and went to bed.

I am awoken once again. This time by a child who is wondering why her tooth has only made it as far as the pot on my dressing table. Seriously, what the hell was she doing in that pot?!

‘Get out of my pot!’ I exclaim and then pretend it isn’t her tooth at all but one of mine from when I was younger. Apparently, the Tooth Fairy returns them to you when you get older. I have become quite a liar recently.

She clearly doesn’t believe me but lets it go and weeks go by. All is forgotten.

Then she loses another tooth.

I am determined this time to neither forget, nor leave the bedroom without the damned tooth. And I am going to hide it well this time.

5am comes.

‘Mummy, I know why the Tooth Fairy didn’t come.’

‘Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh NO!’ I groan.

My husband wakes panicking, wondering what has happened.

‘Right, everyone go back to sleep, we’ll sort this out in the morning,’ I say assertively to buy some time.

I wonder then if I should just come clean to my daughter but find myself slipping the money under her pillow when she goes down for breakfast.

I hint that she may find something under her pillow if she goes to have a look and she comes back looking happy and says, ‘Mummy, you put that money there, didn’t you?’

Here is my chance, the chance to explain that, yes, the Tooth Fairy isn’t real, that Mummy is sorry that she lied all those years about fairies exchanging money for teeth, but that the upside is she’ll still get the money so really, who cares about the Tooth Fairy?

So, do I do this? Do I hell.

‘Er, no, it was the Tooth Fairy. The reason she was late is that she had to go to Australia last night and only just got back…’


32 thoughts on “The Tooth Fairy Fuck-Ups

  1. Oh Kate-Beth!! This actually made me laugh out loud (a rare occurrence when reading!) You are so funny!

    Once upon a time, I did the same, and totally forgot to BE the tooth fairy as well! I ended up lying also, & had to craft a teeny tiny letter of explanation from the tardy tooth fairy. My daughter, a rather cynical 7yr old, on reading it, looked at me quizzically. “YOU wrote this didn’t you Mummy?” she said…

    and then I joined YOUR club. The Could-Do-Better Mummies Club!

    Loved your post. When’s your new book out? Seriously can’t wait to read it!!

    Hedgey xx

  2. Memories

    Child: “Mom, is the tooth fairy real? I think you’re the tooth fairy.”
    Me: “Do you like the money?”
    Child: “Well, yes.”
    Me: Smiled and walked away.

    The topic never came up again.

  3. ahaha! I have a story, the tooth fairy “forgot” my daughter one night. I said there was bound to be a reason. I spent some time the next day searching for tooth fairy clip art and formulating a grovelling letter from the tooth fairy to my daughter, explaining that she was so sorry, she’d got caught up in a terrible to-do with the goblin king and begging for forgiveness and left that along with money under the pillow. My daughter was delighted of course…and talked about it all the next day. The day after that though I was awoken by my daughter asking why the tooth fair hadn’t written back to her. She’ only written the tooth fairy a letter and left it under her pillow, accepting the apology and asking lots of questions…so I wrote a reply….you can see where this is heading can’t you? I ended up writing five letters from the tooth fairy, before on the last one saying “you may not hear from me for some time… I have heard rumblings that the witch queen of the north is up to some terrible badness, forgive me if I don’t reply….” I then had a day of tears about whether or not the tooth fairy was dead… #worstmotherever

    1. Brilliant! I am sooo glad I’m not the only one who’s done this. Although, unlike some of you, I didn’t go to the lengths of letter writing. To be fair to you, implying that the tooth fairy was soon to meet her demise at the hands of the witch queen was really the only way to get yourself out of that predicament! πŸ˜€

  4. This is a great post. Similar thing happened to me. Luckily my son had been questioning whether he needed to put it in a box under the pillow and decided against the box so when I failed to wake up I told him the tooth fairy needed it to be inside the box. He didn’t appear to let on and everything went smoothly Night 2.

  5. I’m sure that most of us who’ve ever been thrust into the role of esteemed Tooth Fairy has gone through something similar! You told that so well and gave me a good laugh in the process. Great stuff!

  6. Somewhere deep within us… or perhaps closer to the surface… it’s US who like the Tooth Fairy, the whole magic and fairies and North Pole and romance world. So we make up outlandish stories on the fly and write detailed letters and create motivations and reasons… where do we get all this? From our own imaginations… and hearts… and we want it to be true in some small way and that way is in our child’s belief that it’s actually true. Or I’m totally wrong and we’re just all too chicken to tell the truth to those big trusting eyes!

  7. I know the Tooth Fairy exists because I saw her once.

    She was bigger than I thought, though… about the size of my Mom. The door was open behind her and the light was all around was, well, kind of like a magical fairy light, and her gown kind of floated all around her. When I opened my eyes (yawn) she said, “Shhhh, shhhhh, go back to sleep” and (yawn) touched my head. Next thing I knew it was morning and there were sparkles in my hair. And I know it was the Tooth Fairy because she had her hand under my pillow and there was a quarter where my tooth had been.

    OK!! Maybe it WAS my Mom! LOL! But it was many years before I doubted the Tooth Fairy’s existence.

      1. Kids are so awesome. Even though I knew deep down inside that it was my Mom, I tamped down that thought because it was so absolutely incredible to have actually SEEN the Tooth Fairy and been touched by her. Like being in a Disney movie with a gigantic Tinkerbell.

        That was over 50 years ago and to this day I have no idea where she got the sparkles for my hair in the middle of the night.

  8. Happy memories! I loved this piece. I can’t totally recall our Tooth Fairy Tales but they must’ve been similar, they can NOT have been different! Was so long ago … As for Father Xmas (or Santa) I suspect they all knew from age 1 ‘cos nobody was a bit surprised he wasn’t ‘real’ and everyone played the game anyway.

  9. Can I just say that this is awesome beyond a doubt! I think it’s even better that you came up with the ‘you get your teeth back when you’re older’ because I was that child who was all ‘I don’t want to give my teeth to the tooth fairy because I want to keep them.’ Yeah, I was /that/ kid. For that reason, and because this exemplifies how awesome of a mom you are, I love this story! Thank you for sharing!

  10. This is so much like in my house it’s not funny! We’ve had tooth pick up delayed due to bad weather, due to the tooth coming out in pieces and needing to find ALL the pieces and, of late, the family room has just been TOO messy for her to get inside. That and she is starting to waver at coming as she is wondering if my 10 yr old still believes. AND! Being in Australia – yeah, I’ll take that one for you if you like. It was us she was delayed on…. all those bits of tooth. πŸ˜‰

    Oh, and parents don’t know all these fae folk personally…. we’re sent their email addresses as we help monitor the good, bad, naughty and nice situations. Or so my kids have told me. But they did add it was from my stint in IT Security.

    Great blog post. πŸ˜€

  11. Oh dear, dear, dear what a tangled web we weave. Not only does the Tooth Fairy punch in late for work, but then takes in the annual Tooth Fairy festival? Only to follow that up with a trip to down under? No wonder she never leaves any cashβ€”she’s too busy embezzling funds that should be left for those forgotten teeth! Talk about living by the skin of your teeth? For shame! πŸ˜€

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